Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
