As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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