Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
