and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
