i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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