Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
