i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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