He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
where are my eyebrows?
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