just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
