Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
