Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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