i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I yelled at your uterus for you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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