im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
