Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
