when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
