As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
sarcasm needs its own font
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
