There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
