I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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