no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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