It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
