There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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