apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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