just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
