Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
