Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
