I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just invented taco cereal.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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