Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
