So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
