I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
