Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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