my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My room smells like vodka and shame
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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