Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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