Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
