I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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