Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
