I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
