I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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