And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Crop dusting thru forever 21
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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