I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Let's paint friendship bongs
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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