What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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