HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
