Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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