best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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