So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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