just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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