So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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