Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
