Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So vagazzling was a success
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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