Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
