I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
