Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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