I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
