you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
