What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
