Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
