This is not my ceiling
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
