I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
