In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i don't like sucking hair
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
